Like we were in fifth grade... Let Me Get a Do Over !!

What if you had a magical "do-over" button that you can press in those situations where the outcome lead to you wanting to kick yourself in the ass?..

Would you use it?..

I know there's been a point in time where all of us had an epiphany and said "damn ! I wish I hadn't acted that way!" Or, "wow I wish I would've taken that approach." Would you press that magical button that would rewind the hands of time and give you a second chance to do whatever it was,"the right way"?

The other night I sat and thought about it to myself. I said, "shit ! , I should've acted differenly, I wish I had a magical do over button."

But in retrospect the experience did teach me a lot about myself. It turned on a light in my brain in the section that had been pretty dark, and made me think that if something or some situation didn't go as planned maybe it wasn't meant to be.

If it wasn't meant to be, and if I did have a magical do over button to press and pressed it, the outcome probably would not change.

Do you believe in fate?

Do we have control over what is or isn't meant to be?

The older I get the less control I seem to have over the inevitable. I can't literally force a doctor to use my products, I can't literally force a girl to like me a certain way.

I'm learning more and more to just be who I am and let things fall into place.

Take care of my responsibilities, be who I am, and let things fall into place!

That's a hard thing to do for many of us because it leaves you vulnerable. It takes control out of your hands and puts it in this intangible belief in "whatever happens....happens", and happens for "a reason"...

I used to think that idea fuckin sucked, but I am beggining to see that maybe everything does happen for a reason.

Maybe I'm suppossed to work harder for that sale, Maybe that girl I want to be feeling me isn't really feeling me right now so I could be alone and reflect on life with no distractions...

Reflect on Life..

What Do you think?

Fcuk It.. (explicit)..

Damn I fuckin hate you. Fuck You Yo !..

Fuck your beautiful face that lured me.

Fuck your personality that got me stuck.

Fuck your sexy ass body that stays on my mind all the time..

Fuck the phone you use to call me 25 fuckin times in a row when I'm in the fuckin shower....

Fuck the letters on your dumbass querty keyboard you type whenever you want to text me a hundred million goddamn times!

Fuck your bluetooth!

Fuck your car!

Fuck your leave in conditioner you have to put in your hair every goddamn muthafuckin morning.

Fuck your whitening toothpaste you choose to brush your teeth with...

Nah fuck that! Fuck your fuckin dentist for cleaning your fuckin teeth every couple of fuckin months! That fuckin traitor..!

Fuck your parents for making you! Yea, I said it, so the fuck what... Fuck em! They don't like me because of where I'm from anyway!.. Fuckin stuck up pair of fucks!

Fuck your siblings for being fuckin related to you so closely!

Fuck the bed you sleep on, with all your comfortable ass comforters and shit... Yea ! I know they're jus fuckin sheets... So what !! Fuck em!!

Fuck the clothes you wear! Yep, fuck em!

Fuck your stupid ass shoes you wear on your bigass stupid ass fuckin feet! Yea! I think your feet are fuckin big, I never told you that! So ha! Fuck them fuckin banana boats !..

And fuck your fuckin face.... again ! Fuck it again!! No ! I don't want to actually fuck your face, I'm saying FUCK YOUR FACE! I want to throw a fuckin creme pie in it everytime I envision it in my fuckin mind.!!

I want to..... fuckin... Fuckin.... Say " MAKE UP!!!! " and hit you with a fuckin powder puff with a whole bunch of fuckin powder on it!.. And leave you standing there all white and shit.. with fuckin powder all over your goddam face!

And last but certainly not muthafuckin least.......

Fuck YOU.... You as in your whole mutha .......

Fuckin.......

Being .....

Fuck your piece of shit being that makes up YOU... you trifling ass cheatin ass lyin piece of slut shit..

Fuck off and go fuck yourself.....

Sigh..... I feel better now... ....

Why Are You Really Upset....

Come on, now answer this question as honestly as possible. Why are you really upset? Is it really because you know it wouldn't be able to work?

Or, is it because she doesn't want YOU anymore?

(and YOU, as in who you are, who you've become on the inside/ what you appear to be on the outside doesn't matter)

Is it because you wanted her to be the love of your life, and through all the turmoil, in the end you would only destroy each other, rather than build each other up?

(Destroy each other like mortal enemies, destroying each other internally.. spiritually tearing each others souls apart)...

Or, is it because she's no longer there to stroke your ego.. to comfort you .. there on call, ready willing and able to comfort you whenever your dealing with any mental duress....?

(support me babe, I'm calling you to hear me out)

Why are you really upset? Be honest.

Late at night, what's bothering you?.. The fact that no one is there to speak to you on the level of consciousness only two cosmic beings can relate to?

Or, the fact that she doesn't WANT TO anymore.. You must love rejection, no? So why are you really upset then?

I know why you're upset. love brings change. You've been changed. You have to change back to how you were before. Before you were softened up.. Your too sweet, like that rock candy. Sure you'll get sucked on, but after a while its annoying, and you have to get spat out.

No but seriously, and I'll ask one more time... why are you really upset?..


Why?

Why?

Oh, I know why?


It's alright, cope .. the feelings are natural. the feelings of "want", and "need"... take them in. Use them to help make you stronger. Reflect, relax and reflect. Use them to build the impenetrable force that is ultimately you. Unbreakable.. thats what you are.. Learn. Add more knowledge.

Well, now you know.. and its fuel now, so use it to drive you beyond measure..

Beyond measure.

You have this Preconditioned mind set.

(written sometime in the year 2005)

You See, you have this preconditioned mindset.

Almost like its a challenge.. this .... this... man, woman thing.. This.. I like you, let me see if you like me, and hopefully you do..... thing..

this ...this... if you do, then maybe we could be.. something beautiful .... thing..

But thats the thing.. You're afraid.. afraid of this thing that can chase all your demons away. It may be too powerful for you.

It may be too powerful for me, but ,maybe we should give into this thing we fear most. Let go of all our insecurities. Let go of the steering wheel and see what happens.

I would like to be able to live life like I only have 2 weeks to live, really live and not sweat the petty things.. never look back, love unconditionally and laugh incontrollably... sigh... that would be bliss..

You see, you have this preconditioned mindset. as if you're suppossed to be miserable, as if you're suppossed to be mistreated. No!.. open your eyes and know that you are a queen.. Come here, let me hold you.. caress you, .. kiss you... play with your hair.. massage you..

Doesnt it feel good?. I want to make you feel good. All the time.. because you're special.. I would like to change your mindset. That preconditioned madness..

I want to love you..